I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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