FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
