She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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