oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
