Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
