We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
