Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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