i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
