Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
