If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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