Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
