i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
