the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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