Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
