dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
