you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
