Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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