if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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