Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
