I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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