from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
