It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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