I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
