They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
