Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
