I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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