I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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