If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
