I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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