just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize