you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
