Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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