hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
