my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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