I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
