The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
