he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
