my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize