Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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