I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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