i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
