If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
