I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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