I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i want to swaddle you in tequila
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
