it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
third nipple confirmed
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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