He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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