Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
