I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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