omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
