before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
