If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
