these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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