I wish my penis had an off switch
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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