wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
