I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
