I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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