i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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