just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
