I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
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