the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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