i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
