I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
