Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
