my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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