Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
