she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
