my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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