New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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